Don't let me get too deep

WARNING: Here comes a very long (for me) ramble about a bunch of sorta-related stuff. Just skip it if you're not in the mood. Generally I don't blog like this, in case you've not noticed. I'm not sure why. I've also been wondering lately why I'm such a TALKER and not much of a WRITER and if that might be why I'm not much of a DEEP BLOGGER. I never liked journalling. Don't particularly enjoy writing things out, would rather talk about them. Am I afraid of appearing to be too self-absorbed if I write about my feelings, thoughts, ideas? Do I not want to dip into "airing my laundry" for all the blog-world to see? But then again, since only about 3 people read this blog, I guess it doesn't really matter.

So without further ado.

I've been thinking a lot lately about a lot of stuff.

Well, actually I think that I think a lot about a lot of stuff. But maybe more so lately?

Next week I turn 43, I'm pretty sure. (I have a hard time keeping up with my age and often have to do the math. So, 2006 take away 1963... yea that leaves 43.) My dh turns 46 on Monday. Little sis turns 40 on Monday. Baby brother turns 37 at the end of the month.

Right, I'm not to the deep part yet, but we are all getting older. That's clear.

I wonder a LOT, what will I look back on and say, "well, THAT was a waste of time".

What will I wish I'd done instead? But then I think this is a silly way to think. I mean, really, I am the wife of a very busy academic-type who travels a ton and we homeschool, me and the 3 kids. I have a dog, a house, and a few friends. I'm trying to be a relatively decent church member. What really do I think I have the time and energy for in addition to this?

The other night when I was watching the Sara Groves documentary (mentioned below) I started bawling. I mean really crying hard. I think it was when she said something like "when my life is over I want to have it all be gone, wax and the whole wick. I want my kids to see that I've really lived and used it all up..." (Or it could have been because it was late at night and I really needed to go to bed?) Anyway what she said really got me, not entirely because I wished I could say that too but because I wasn't sure I wanted to say it.

I mean, the thing is, I have lots and lots of ideas, dreams, thoughts, hopes, plans, etc. but most of them don't ever leave my head.

Sometimes that's because I don't let them (i.e., if you don't say it out loud then you won't ever be held to it and then there's no chance of failure, not to mention success) and sometimes it is just because I am too tired, fearful, dare-I-say-it, lazy to try to make them happen.

Often I stop short because I figure whatever it is, I just can't do it. And I really do not like this about myself. I would much prefer to be the best version of me.

So is it about accepting where and who I am and the limits that exist (both that I've placed on myself and those that I can't change), or?

And, what exactly is excellence? How do people who do (what I think is) great stuff actually do it? Why are some people really good at things and why can't I be really good at something? Do I have to be kinda-good-at-a-lot-of-things for the rest of my life or do I get to shine at something? Do people who are really good at something appreciate that?

I asked a couple of friends some of these questions the other day. In their kindness, I think they misunderstood me a bit and thought I was looking for affirmation so they told me that I was incredibly good at organizing & keeping house. I did appreciate their words, but it really wasn't what I was looking for. (It reminds me of when my sister was told that her strong suit is that she is "good with paper" -- but that's possibly a story for another day.)

The joke is that on my tombstone it will say "she knew where stuff was".

I really hope it's something else.